Be Aware Of This Mental Hack And Have More Friends

Let me ask you this: Are you ONE OF THOSE? I read a post about a blogger’s early days working a new job. A colleague approached him and said, “Do you know that Mike is a “such-and-such”? Going along, the blogger exclaimed, “Oh no, he’s ONE OF THOSE!”.

The blogger avoided Mike at all costs – in the halls, at the water cooler, at company functions. everywhere.

After Mike left the company a social media site suggested that the blogger and Mike “become friends”. “No way,” the blogger thought. But he was curious and opened-up Mike’s profile page.

What he saw shocked him.

Mike and the blogger had a lot of the same interests and friends. But wait, how could this be if Mike was ONE OF THOSE?!

Let me ask you again: Are you ONE OF THOSE?

The mental hack that leads you to stereotype

In 1974 psychologists Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman identified that we use different mental processes to simplify our decision making. These processes are called “heuristics”; think of them as mental hacks or shortcuts.

Heuristics can be valuable in a world where we have limited time and information. Heuristics allow our brains to shortcut longer and more extensive thinking processes. By using these hacks we solve problems faster and learn new ideas more quickly.

But there’s a downside too.

When we make snap decisions sometimes we’re wrong, and these shortcuts lead to a bias that’s incorrect.

One of the most common forms of bias is attribution bias. Psychology Today says attribution bias “occurs when someone tries to attribute reasons or motivations to the actions of others without concrete evidence to support such assumptions.”

This is what happened when the blogger jumped to a hasty conclusion about Mike without first seeking to know him.

Mike had a label slapped on him without due process. The blogger read the label and wrote Mike off.

The lesson? Attribution bias can cause you to stereotype people, and this may lead you to lose out on some good friendships.

Snap judgements lead to fewer friends

Let me answer my question – you are “ONE OF THOSE”.

You are ONE OF THOSE because in someone’s eyes you’re different and warrant a label.

I’m sure you can remember a time when you were unfairly labeled. A time when you were hurt by a stereotype. A time when someone didn’t take the time to know the real you.

I’m not going to list all the ways we stereotype others. Open up the paper or turn on the news and watch them pour off the page or out of the TV.

Stereotyping is accelerated by the way we consume ideas and information. In a snap or in an insta an imprint of a person is made on our brain. When these snippets are constantly flashed in front of our eyes it’s easy to make snap judgements about the people and world around us.

But unfortunately we have no one to blame but ourselves. We’re all too eager to consume these labels because they help us justify our place in the world; and that’s not good for building healthier relationships.

Focus on the inside, not on the outside

There is a better way, and that’s to take the time to truly know someone.

“The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7 NLTse

Our ability to focus on what really matters (the inside) starts with awareness. An awareness that our brains are prone to making snap judgements about people.

Once we exercise this awareness we can slow down and invest the time to:

• Ask questions.

• Hear a different point of view.

• Learn something new.

With awareness, patience and discipline we can look past the labels and appearances and into the real person – into the heart.

You’ll see others for who they are – people, like you. Yes they may be different on the outside, but they are more like you than you think. Be aware of this mental hack, and I bet you’ll have more friends and healthier relationships as a result.

Be Wise and Successful…

1. Admit that you’re biased. Even if you believe you’re open-minded, the chances are high that some form of bias will shape your opinion. Can you think of a time when you stereotyped someone and were wrong? How could you have avoided this mistake?

2. Recognize how you stereotype. We categorize people to make our life easier. Can you list 3 stereotypes that you lump people into? When you read and listen to the news, what stereotypes do you hear the most?

3. Don’t be afraid of appearances. Remember the saying “appearances may be deceiving”? It’s true. When you focus on the outside you may be missing the good stuff on the inside. List 3 people that appear different from you on the outside, and commit to knowing them on the inside.

4. Focus on the heart. Be curious about what makes people tick, and listen to what they have to say and why they’re saying it. The motivations of the heart are what drive a person. For more on this topic read my post 7 Questions About Your Heart That Can Change Your Life.