Grief. Grace. And the Coronavirus.

I, along with others, have preached the need to find purpose in this virus crisis.  But why is finding purpose right now so hard to do?  Some days it feels like I take two steps forward, and one step back.  Some of you may feel like you’re stuck in reverse.

Read on and I’ll tell you what may be holding you back, and offer a couple strategies for moving forward with greater confidence.

Admit it, you’re grieving

As I speak to friends, family, and work colleagues about the ever changing craziness and dysfunction that disrupts and discomforts our daily lives, I hear  loss.  I hear worry.  I hear sadness.

I realize now that we are all in some state of GRIEF. 

Grief is that feeling of emptiness or sadness we feel when we lose something that we’ve been connected to.  

We all handle grief differently because we are all made differently.  The experience of loss is unique for each of us because each of us places a different value on what we’ve lost.  What may be a loss to one person may not be so important to another.  I’ve heard grief described as a thumbprint, it’s different for each of us.  Because of this, there is no silver bullet for “curing” our grief.

Grief, is something you must move through;  it is a process of healing.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, one of the pioneering researchers on grief and the author of the landmark book “On Grief and Grieving”, identifies five stages associated with grief:

Denial – Life makes no sense.  We go numb and we’re in shock.  Denial, in those early moments, actually helps us cope with the magnitude of our loss.

Anger – We feel deserted, abandoned and our anger can be directed at almost anyone.  It’s important to let ourselves be angry, and to let “our anger out” in a non-destructive way.

Bargaining – This can happen prior to and after our loss.  This is the internal conversation we have with ourselves in order to avoid the pain of our loss.

Depression – Our focus turns solely on the present.  We feel the gravity of our loss, and we’re not sure if the pain will ever end.

Acceptance – We accept the reality of our loss.  This doesn’t mean we’re “okay” with our loss, it just means we’re learning to live with it.

Take a moment now; can you identify on any level with one or more of these stages?

How grief impacts your view of the future

I can tick-off a long laundry list of things I’ve lost because of this crazy coronavirus.  These loses cut across my business, personal, family, financial, and emotional life.  I’m sure you can create a similar list.

But it wasn’t until I heard David Kessler, a protege of Kubler-Ross, discuss the concept of  “anticipatory grief” that I fully understood that grief affects my view of the future.

Kessler’s  definition of “anticipatory grief” is when we imagine all the horrible things that can happen in the future, even before they can or do happen.   We begin to grieve about what we’ll loose way before we’ve lost anything.  Now that’s unproductive!

Friends, this battle against anticipatory grief, is one we need to win!  There’s no sense in grieving about something before you’ve lost it.  

I understand that it’s easy to go there because this is uncharted territory for all of us.  But we cannot let tomorrow’s worry color our view of today.  

We cannot let tomorrow’s concerns derail our plans for the future.  

We cannot let fear overcome our hope for a brighter tomorrow.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matt 6:34, NLTSE)

GRACE can help you move through grief

Don’t get me wrong, planning for tomorrow is time well spent, but worrying about tomorrow is a waste of time.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference but carefully thinking about your schedule, your goals, and your dreams for tomorrow will help you thrive and not just survive.   

So it’s important to give yourself some GRACE.  In this upside-down time, be easy on yourself and feed your mind, body, and spirit with those activities that give you hope, confidence and energy.  To help you with some key actions to take, I created the acrostic GRACE:

G ratitude.  Take 10 minutes everyday to be grateful for the good things you have in your life, and make an effort to say “thank you” when anyone does anything for you.

R eveal.  Find a healthy way to express your emotions to a loved one, your community or a counselor.  As David Kessler says, “Emotions need motion.  We need to feel them.  Suppressing them doesn’t work.”   

A ssociate.  Build a community that you can live into and be a part of.  Life is better when we are together.

C ontrol.  Focus on 2 to 3 actions you can accomplish every day.  Small wins that move you forward will increase your level of confidence.

E xtend.  Give grace to everyone, they need it too.  No one processes feelings in the same way, so treat others the way you want to be treated.

Our movement through grief is not linear.  We may sit in one stage longer than another.  We may go back and forth and revisit a previous stage.  Our grief is individualized, because each of us is unique.  But have hope.  Don’t worry about tomorrow.  And give yourself lots and lots of GRACE.  

Be Wise & Successful…

1. Grieve.  If you want to learn more about grief, go to this website for a lot of very helpful information and free resources.

2. Watch.  If you’re interested in learning more about anticipatory grief and finding meaning in loss, watch this interview with David Kessler on NPR.

3. Win.  If you want to give life to your mind, body and spirit read Beat the Fear of the Coronavirus: Do These 13 Things